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Tenth year of blogging

A year ago I wrote "I know I haven't been updating the blog very actively this year. But I hope (and do believe) that it is going to change to the better, some time next year." Oh well. I do have a feeling that the blog is going to continue, I like the idea of keeping it alive, and I enjoy writing when the time is right for it. Yet, there are problems / things slowing me down; 1) ideas and thoughts in my mind quickly and easily grow to a tangled mess so that it would take a full day of work to write a single blog entry - and whenever I have the luxury of a full day to work at the computer, I often choose to work with indie coding, so that updating the blog gets postponed, 2) sometimes I have thoughts regarding world politics, or big overall spiritual ideas on how to best organize this life if we wish there to be anything like a future for the mankind, but then I often feel that writing about such stuff is in vain, and why not just focus on all the wonders and miracles and joys of the mundane daily life, and 3) most of the time I dwell in a state of mind where communicating with other people feels like rocket science - something I know maybe might be possible, but it beyond my immediate sphere of life.

So, as often has been with my blog, instead of the easy topics let's have a paragraph or two about the personal, the difficult, the muddy waters of my soul.

It was late evening of 23rd of February 2022. A lot of Russian troops were positioned on the borders of Ukraine, the situation was tense. And to the very last minute I believed that this is just a game of appearances; the Kremlin wanting to put up pressure, hoping to break the nerves of Kyiv, so that Kremlin could force a solution of their liking without firing a single bullet. I believed that, for a full scale invasion into Ukraine just seemed irrational and counter-productive for Russian strategic goals, and I was hoping Kremlin to be a strategic player planning wisely. Little did I know, high were my hopes. I mean, I like Russian people, I wish all the best and prosper for future - that is what I wished back then, and that is what I wish today. Alas, it seems that the power-wielding group in Russia seems to think that "what is good for Russia = restoring the empire, the more land Moscow controls the better Russia is". Sigh. As many of you might already know, I'm some sort of a relativist - I have feeling that there is little point of trying to prove that the Kremlin view is wrong. Instead, I'm a pragmatist - if you choose to play the game of "we use violence to force others to bend to our will", then don't be surprised if one day you find the others to use violence to stop your aggression, don't complain if you find your army being not so powerful as you were hoping for, don't be sad if you find yourself on the losing side of the game for you chose to play the game by your rules, so the chances are that, according to the rules, you'll lose. Or, in other words - if you wish to work for a long-term prosperity of your country, your people, your land and your planet, then choose accordingly; choose peace, choose to work against corruption, choose to allocate resources to education, wellfare and science.

To put it short; to me it seems obvious that the Kremlin decision to launch a full-scale invasion to Ukraine was a silly, pitiful, senseless one sowing a lot of totally unnecessary pain, mayhem and suffering. Why would one choose to do that? Huh, well, of course - being a realist I can easily imagine a number of reasons why would one choose to do that, for all to many people seem to be driven by stone-age instincts, not beings great fans of maturing their thinking past the old-school emotional code of "us versus them, either they control more territory or we push them back and regain territory which belongs to our tribe!". And, I have a vague feeling that in some of my older blog posts I've been writing either direct or veiled criticism against Western powers for doing exactly that - bombing other countries in order to force a regime change, replacing a government with their liking. I always felt that it is not a good idea to do that. And now, as we see Russia trying to do the same, I still think it is not a good idea. Or, in other words; if that "Rule-based International Order" is really a thing, then by all means bring Putin to an international criminal court, and also do the same for all the other leaders who have violated to international rules; like the Western leaders who made the decision to launch the 2003 invasion to Iraq. All the talk of Saddam Hussein posing an immediate threat to Western world by means of WMD turned out to be false, so the whole invasion was based on false claims - have we seen the culprits bear juridical responsibility, answering to an international tribunal? No. Should we become cynical and think that "big villains never get punished, so who cares, let them just kill anyone who they wish to kill!"? No. I think that to the very last breath it still is better to wish, to hope, to believe and to act for a world where it is not great for bullies to bully others. East or West, I don't care, for the idea is the same; using violence in an irresponsible way is a sad thing to do.

I don't know how you think or feel about it - to me all of the above feels self-evident, and something which has been said already for a number of times. And this leads us to a deeper layer of the theme. But I'm not sure if I'm in the mood of trying to express it in sentences composed of words. Hmm, huh, let me try;

To answer my own question, which I presented in an earlier blog post which was titled something like "rower's dilemma" or so; what would I do in that situation? To be honest, for a moment I would just stare into distance, feeling frustrated and passive. Then, slowly, I'd gather myself, returning to my inner vision. Then I'd bang the boat to create some rhythm, and I'd sing. As, I don't care so much about what is "morally right, what is morally wrong?" but I think more in terms of "what bears fruit?" - if there is little or no hope of surviving, then why not play and sing to make the final moments more joyous and atmospheric ? And, maybe - maybe - there would be a tiny little 0.05% chance of others slowly stopping their fight because of being baffled to hear someone sing in such a situation. As, maybe something which is totally out of the box could help others to see things from out of the box, to think differently, or, even - to come together? I have no idea. But this is pretty much the process I've gone through this year - not writing about the big moral questions, choosing to write about little daily things about trying to live in peace with myself and my surroundings.

Well, after writing all of this I still have a feeling that I've been all too superficial to catch the inner point, to describe the essence of what I've felt. As, that is a lot connected to the themes I've been writing about every now and then. Namely, the feeling that "communication doesn't work". The feeling of finding myself on a desert island of non-communication; whenever I try to say something it is destined to be misunderstood, most of the time other people getting mad, not even trying to make sure if they understood what I tried to say, but instead of just accusing me of saying things they believe I said. And that is something I usually just don't feel like wasting my time with. I'd rather dwell in solitude, minding my own business, learning to renovate my house, learning to grow my own food and such. And, in my eyes that theme is wide, deep and broad. It is not a question of "them vs me". It is a question of "if the idea of communication is an illusion, or it it could work, sometimes, somewhere". So, instead of talking the depressing state of world politics, let us take a look at what is says on UnReal World Steam news;

On 19th of December Sami wrote news telling that the game has been updated.
On 22nd of December Sami wrote news, telling that the game sells for discounted price, and reminding that an update was released a few days ago.
On 25th of December an user comments: "just update the game my man holy damn", and I read it three times, completely failing to understand what that means. I can think of at least three different interpretations;

1. The user wants to express a positive affirmation; Sami telling the game is updated, the user affirming that "the game is just updated, my man, holy damn!"
2. The user feeling that it is already 6 days since the 19th of December update, hoping for Sami to release a yet another update instead of posting news.
3. The user misreading the earlier news, thinking that the game has not been updated for ages, despite it really being updated 6 days ago and that being told to the audience, twice.

Thinking of these alternatives, I have a feeling that all of my guesses 1., 2. and 3. are probably just wrong guesses, and instead of replying to that comment, instead of choosing how to best understand the comment, instead of participating in the discussion I just shrug, heat up the garden bath-tub and go drink some mulled red wine which my neighbours gave me. Cheers, everyone! Keep on beating the rhythm, keep on singing, keep on listening, keep on keeping on! Oh, let us all just a ll u ju-ju-ju-ll a-lal-lal-lah lah-de-lah de-de-lah for life is worth it!

ps. Going to tag this post with "depression" for I have a feeling that the theme of communication-being-impossible has been / is one of the core elements of my depressive moods, and the sense of rebuilding a connection is / has been / will continue to be one of the best remedies. For me, I mean. Not going to preach how other people should follow my path, for I hope everyone walks their own path.

pps. Not going to say anything about what I hope or plan or wish for the frequency of future blog updates, as anyway that remains to be seen, life takes place despite us making plans. But, if there is anything like a future, then I'd guess there will also be future blog posts, either frequently or infrequently, or, in any case, at any of those moments called "now" in some possible moment we don't knot yet.

cheers!
cheers!
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Comments

Lovely photo! :)

Merry christmas and a happy new year to you Erkka!

Happy holidays!

"Communication doesn't work" man I felt that.
Most communication situations I have been in turned into confrontations. Even when I asked for directions "people" would yell at me, except for one occasion. It feels like you just can't really have a simple conversation in this forsaken city, always someone has to be "right", and by definition the other has to be "wrong". Once I witnessed a small car accident, one pedestrian asked a passenger if she was alright and the passenger screamed insults at her. I was 7 years old when almost all members of an ethnic minority in the school cornered me because one of them decided me saying "meatballs" was a slur against them. I had known almost nothing about that minority before that, but I think they gave me a pretty good summary :D
I'm not sure if this might be specific to my area, I have been abroad and talked to a few strangers, despite in some cases not speaking any common language. But, I did grow up thinking it's like this everywhere and it might be, I have only been in one foreign city very recently after all.
What's interesting is that this fact doesn't make me feel noticeably depressed. I grew up in this environment, learning to avoid people and not think much about them. This is second nature to me.

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