I guess I understand what you mean, and I also felt pretty much like that before I bought my house. Before moving here there was kind of a culmination point in my crisis - it hit me so hard that I finally let go of some things, realized that it didn't kill me, rose back on my feet and just kept going =) Of coure it has been a slow process, but generally speaking I feel that it was a big turning point in my life.

So, I don't feel bad about the summer I had. The logs are not a big issue - if I fail to transport them, it won't be a disaster. And there is not yet so much snow, so I haven't given up yet. I just accept it that it has taken longer than I hoped, and it doesn't make me feel that my life is ruined. No, life is good. It is just that there still are things to improve, things I'd like to change - not because I hate my life the way it is, but just because I'd love to spend more time programming UrW =)

And I very much agree with the metaphor of a highway and little pathways - sure! Nowadays I feel that I don't so much suffer any emotional pain of depression. But there is some other issues still left. Like, when I was kid, most of the time it was my older brother who told what to do. He was always more clever, more skilled, stronger, better (and 3.5 years older) than I was, he was the boss, it was always his projects and he needed workforce. Most of the time he was also frustrated, angry and pissed off because his workforce (=me) wasn't as skilled as he was. And when I tried to evade work, he was always strong enough to physically force me back to doing what he wanted me to do. Sometimes I felt like being held a slave in my own home, and since it was our only home, there was no place to escape (we lived in the counryside and I didn't have that much contact with the families living nearby.) - when there were rare moments that I could enjoy being alone, I often found out that I felt strangely exhausted, uninspired and shattered. Years of trouble had obviosly left their mark - at some point I remember I could just lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling and hoping I'll turn insane so that they will take me away and I can rest in the safety of a hospital...

Oh, so, why I am telling this? Because I recognize that there are still echoes left of that feeling. A lot of time I might feel somehow uninsprired, and sometimes I get very exhausted quickly, there is this eerie feeling of meaninglesness or being outside of my own life. My rational mind tells me that there is no reason - I have no boss; I'm self employed. I have my own home which is a safe place and nobody is coming to beat me up, I'm completely free to do what I want to do - and then my emotional side says: "OK, fine, I want to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling!"

I think this is related to the freeze-reaction I described in some of my earlier posts. In a dangerous situation, if an animal can't fight nor flee, it just goes to freeze state. And I guess that freeze-state comes with some hormones making the animal feel indifferent and numb, no terror no panic no pain, just the restfull peace of the final moments before the predator bites its neck. (Once again I saw this reaction in one of the young rams I slaughtered this autumn. I had already slaughtered one of them, and when I went into the pen I caught the next one. With a bowl of dry bread I was leading him away from the pen, but somehow he knew what it meant. Suddenly he was no more insterested in the delicious bread, nor did he try to fight back nor to break free. He just collapsed down, rested his head on the soil with a blank stare in his eyes... Oh my, poor creature! I gently lifted him up, put some bread to his lips which made him bit more active, we walked farther away, I fed him some more bread, but somehow he wasn't that interested in eating, just lazily chewing the bread in a mechanical manner.

I feel that this freeze reaction goes deeper than my thoughts. It is not just matter of how I look at my life, not the way I think. It is stored deep in my brain and hormonal reactions and all that. So, it is echoes of this freeze reaction which so much contribute to my difficulties of maintaining my own timetables and tasks. I need to find back to that clear state of mind when I felt that my life is mine and I feel both inspired and able to make my own decisions (instead of just passively drifting in the mist, waiting for the killing blow to come).

Oh, umm, yes =) But the whole slot 2. was there to balance things out. At the same time I'm working with that kind of somewhat heavy stuff - but it doesn't make me feel bad about my life. I accept that this is how my life is now. And I can go listen to music, meet my friends, to dance to and to be social. As, those are also the small steps which help me to regain the sense of "no more danger, no more need to stay in the freeze mode - this is my life, this is my body and my mind, so let's rock!"